I was so excited about the mental peace I was experiencing with my taking-it-easy project, and I've already told you I got sick, but I didn't tell you I got confused. I didn't know what to do with myself even though I'd been practicing for at least a week. But it was different with Brian home and holidays. Was I supposed to rise to the occasion or let things be? Was it really okay to sleep for hours, when I'd been having naps when I wasn't even sick? And somehow I felt that that had failed, since with all that rest, I still got sick. So taking care of myself doesn't make me invincible? Obviously, but remember, I was confused. I wanted it to pay off by making me Super Woman fighting the flu, not just peace. And there went my peace.
My new territory was taking it easy when the world expects you to ramp up your output for the holidays. My soul was pooped and I decided to go against the flow. I teetered and floundered until I realized the new place was better and embraced it, briefly, before getting lost. Then I felt guilty, wondering what God was thinking with all this ease I was taking, if I was giving Brian the vacation he needed and if my kids' Christmas memories would be magical. My sister's family came on Christmas Eve and I loved them, but couldn't make conversation. I watched more TV, which distracted me from how my tummy felt, but I felt guilty about it too. I've noticed there are things I'm in the habit of feeling guilty about, which bothers me because I probably can't hear the Spirit's whispering or lack thereof. I'm driving blind. That's how the last couple days felt. I'm feeling better today and have my wits about me, and I think it's okay. Okay to get lost in new territory, because you're still in the new place. We're quick to decide we've back-tracked and I thought so when my peace evaporated. During my confusion, it felt like the old place - even worse, but maybe it's like moving to a new house and painting the rooms the same colors as the old one. It feels familiar, but it's still new. You still moved out of the old and therefore, progress was made. Progress you can't lose. I can't unlearn what I learned. I can't unfeel the peace I felt. And after tasting it, I'm determined to follow the peace-maker even if my journey's not perfect and I get lost every few days.
I liked your comment about painting the rooms the same color. We love the new, but crave the old and familiar, don't we?
ReplyDeletePS There's nothing shameful about getting lost now and then. So long as you're still headed in the right direction, you'll eventually get there. ;)