Monday, December 17, 2012

Time's Up

I have a tick in my head. It sounds like a second hand ticking down to, "You've been taking it easy way too long and disaster's about to strike!" (Insert horrible egg-timer ring.) Well, disaster hasn't struck. I feel anxious sometimes, but remind myself this hiatus is strategic and intentional. It feels like a discipline sometimes. I'm seriously addicted to producing. 

I measure my days by what I've accomplished, so some of these days feel empty-ish. But I'm gradually thinking less about what I got done or need to do. My mind is less frantic. I spent an unhurried half hour teaching the kids how to play with our cat this morning. He's pretty picky about what he'll go after, so if they don't do it just right, he's happy to do this. All day.

But they want to play with him so badly. I've never "had the time" to show them the intricacies of it. Well, today I did and it felt good - peaceful and not empty at all. 

Looks like my addictions and/or obsessions mess up my joy. When I did the No Spend month and now, not building myself up with what I do, my eyes are opening. Where I saw no potential for fun or peace or joy, I sometimes find all three. It occurs to me that I'm not the expert when it comes to my happiness. I want to lay my obsessions down and admit that chasing things so tenaciously is bad for me. Yesterday I was ready to be done with this rest. Enough already...the timer was bound to go off and scare the begeesies out of me. But today I wonder if maybe it isn't just getting good. 

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