Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Day 27: Torn

So Chandler did fine. I came to the table with their breakfast and announced (with an adventurous twinkle in my eye), "Today and tomorrow are gonna be super hard. You know why?" (Like I was letting them in on a secret.) They're so sweet - they always play along. 

Their eyes got big and they said, "Why, Mommy?" 

"Because we have no juice! For two whole days! Just water, water, water, water!" 

They giggled. We joked about what we were gonna do, etc. and that was that. They drank water. They can do hard things. 

The moral of this story isn't this: Mommy however, cannot do hard things, although you may think so when I tell you what I'm about to tell you.

We went to Taco Inn for lunch. Ahh! So hard to admit this to you! You think I've fallen off the wagon and maybe you're disappointed with me...I can hardly bare it. My biggest fear was that while I was sitting there eating, one of you, who I don't yet know, was there eating too and thinking I made the whole No Spend month up between shopping trips! 

Here's the true story. Last night, I whined to Brian about how bad I wanted to take the kids to lunch at Taco Inn and he produced some per diem money from his trip. How did he not know it was a rhetorical whine...not a 'please lead me to temptation' whine? I didn't go into how 'this is a No Spend month, so even if we get extra money we shouldn't spend it, but put it towards our savings.' Nope. I just took it. I figured I'd duke it out with myself today. I knew what he'd say. He sees things very simply. It's a little extra blessing - enjoy it! Sometimes I think life must be nice for him, inside his head. Where no one's falling off the wagon. 

So rise and shine today, and I'm debating. How can I explain this to my kids? If they put together that we're not buying juice because we're saving for Disney, what happens when I hand the Taco guy cash? Lately they gasp at any money spent or lost and say, "Will we not get to go to Disney?!" Mostly, how do I explain that Chandler's doing without, but Mommy's indulging a whim. By the end of my shower process (my most uninterrupted think time), I'd almost ruled it out. Easier to make something here.  

I went to start school and the kids were creating "tree-houses" out of their up-side-down school chairs. Since they were using their chairs, I couldn't  say what I normally do. "You guys are playing so nicely together, but let's push pause and come back to this after school." They get a kick out of screen-time jargon. So I decided to give them a little longer before we started. Cadence made paper people, first herself and a cousin, then Chandler. He came upstairs, waving himself furiously, "Cadence made me! She's shining Jesus' light!" Glad I waited.

Then we really went to town on school and by the time it was over, I was starving. I'd promised them a field trip to the library and it was decision time. I wanted to take them to eat and then to the library. The sun was shining and getting out and about sounded wonderful. I resumed my debate. "I decide how big a deal this No Spend is. Even though it feels like failure, there are two ways to look at this. I've been grateful before when I adopted Brian's gentler approach to life and right now, I'm feeling worn down. My teeth are aching because I've been clenching lately. I don't know why, but a break seems like a smart thing to do for myself right now. Like filling up with gas before you run out. I want to last, I want to thrive in the long haul for my family (as close to PMS as I can get - so wish this was a joke) and running myself into the ground over a couple days seems stupid. I can do hard things, but I'm not going to choose the hard route just because it's the hard one. I want the right one, even if it's easier."

And it was lovely. I hushed the voices that tried to ruin it for me and enjoyed my kids' company. They did not put the money part together...just enjoyed the food. Not a bad way to be. 

Total spent: 0.00 (sort of!)
Fun money: 13.07 


  1. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh Kendra you are so honest. Isn't it wonderful you and Brian compliment each other? I have someone close to me just like you and there is a struggle most every day about one thing or another. God just made all of us so unique--I love variety.

  2. Yes! It's wonderful when we find someone who speaks reason into our little pockets of insanity. :)