Sunday, February 24, 2013

Days 23 & 24: Great Lengths

Yesterday's Totals:

Total spent: 0.00
Fun money: 1.09
We had a pretty quiet weekend. My favorite part was having my cat sleep on me while I napped. He's a chill cat, which is why I like him. Most of the time, all he needs from me is a "s'up" kind of nod from across the room. This is why I have no dog. I'm a pleaser and the bottomless pit that is a dog's desire feels to me like a guilt trip. Love my low-maintenance Leo. (Our cats get named after movie characters. Guido, from Life is Beautiful, Anna from Notting Hill and Leopold, from Kate and Leopold.) 

Here we are a while back. I'm taking advantage of my
return from vacation to get some cheek-to-cheek action
So Leo is very chill and rarely chooses to be in my presence in a way that involves touch. He likes to be nearby, choosing the room I'm in most of the time, but not cuddling. When I come to pet him where he's perched, he tolerates it for about a minute. This makes it a treat if I take a nap and he decides to join me. But there are two levels of joining me. There's the, "You're the warmest spot in the house, so I choose you," and there's the, "I love you so much and even though I hardly ever show you, I will now." The latter happens about once a year and it happened Saturday afternoon. He stretched out, purred anytime I stirred, and put his warm paw pads on my chin. 

Telling you this reminds me of a time when I was upset and it was late and I didn't know what to do. It felt a tiny bit like the dark nights I'd have when I was depressed. All the day's difficulties - getting soaked with spit-up, babies crying, carrying diaper bag/purse, babies and groceries, tired arms, aching head - had wound me up so tight, that when I was supposed to finally let down and rest, I couldn't. I felt like I would snap instead. I literally wanted to run or beat something. I knew I just needed to cry because when you're depressed those difficulties don't roll off, they actually hurt. But instead of crying on the spot, I'd stuffed it down all day, and now it wouldn't come out. So I'd pound my pillow hoping to get the tears to flow. The only thing that helped, sometimes, was Brian holding me tight until I'd collapse into sobs. That gave me relief and spent, I could drift off. 

Well, this wasn't nearly that bad, but I did have feelings I didn't know what to do with and they wouldn't resolve with logic. Brian was asleep. I'd told him I was okay because I believed I really was, but I didn't feel okay and couldn't sleep. I prayed for help, for comfort. Then I got a crazy idea. I scooped Leo up and spooned him. 

He stayed - didn't even wiggle. Just laid there with my arm wrapped around him for half the night. I think God made him do it. And the whole time I felt his warm, soft body, I knew he was under orders from somebody Big who must love me a lot, to do a temporary personality transplant on my cat. 

Total spent: 0.00
Fun money: 6.09


  1. Oh man, that feeling that a bad won't (can't) just roll off. And it's built inside so long that tears aren't possible, and instead you'll feel like you explode. I wish that was completely a thing of the past, but I guess some of us are made a little differently. Love how God provided warm cuddles before it got "there" again :)

  2. Have you found a way to unwind that works? I saw Silver Linings Playbook recently and I loved how the counselor told him, "You need a plan." (for when he'd freak out.) I'm trying to work on a general bedtime routine plan, that might lead to fewer anxiety dreams and better sleep. Although the time my sleep starts is part of the issue...