Sunday, October 2, 2016

18 Days of Gratitude

I'm not gonna lie, I'm in a tricky place right now and so much is going on, I get overwhelmed when I think about sitting down to write you. I've written so little we need a major coffee date to get you caught up so I can say things without lots of explainy tangents. But a few of you have said you'd like to hear from me more often and I'm feeling ready too. : )

At the same time, I need to practice gratitude. I know it's not November yet, but why wait a month to be intentionally grateful when you need it now? A few years ago, I did a daily post  to talk about what I was grateful for and I'm doing that again for the next 18 days. Life's been freakin' hard lately and I'm needing to see how blessed we are IN THIS HARD place. The stuff that's going wrong gets so heavy and I'm already tired, so you can imagine the cumulative result: 

So here we go. I'm hoping this will act as our coffee date in bite-size pieces.  

Today I'm grateful for reading to my kids. I'm terrible at pretend play...Can I please just reorganize all the toys while you play? Talking in sing-songy voices and sipping air tea makes me want to poke my eyes out with the nearest pick-up-stick. But I can read. I like to read, especially when I don't know the ending or it's been so long since I've read a book, I don't remember what happens. That's the case with the epic stories we're reading now.

Recognize it? It's Laura Ingalls Wilder's On the Banks of Plum Creek. I read it to my kids tonight on the couch with a soft blanket over all three of us. 

There was bedtime struggle after that because they'd started a movie that scared them both and I may have been frustrated with one of them for the amount of dirty clothes on the floor, but I prayed extra long bedtime prayers over them, and when I asked the child I was frustrated with if they felt loved, they said yes. So all in all, much to be grateful for. 

The hardest thing I need to believe right now is I'm enough. I feel I'm not enough as a mom when my child cries at bedtime because they feel they haven't had enough time with me. I feel I'm not enough when a child can't calm down and won't let me help. If they cry when I leave. If I only make it to yoga once a week. If I squawk at my husband every evening. This will be something I explore the next couple weeks. It's a faith thing sometimes and sometimes it's a boundary thing. (Not believing you're the only thing in your child's world that causes them suffering or that you're powerful enough to have prevented this.) I personally wilt inside when I feel I'm not enough. And "not enough" for your loved ones is the worst shame of all. 

So I'm working on believing. I can look at the way I took issue with the clothes on the floor and realize it may not have been ideal timing (when they're tired), but I was doing my best. Just because you can see how you can improve doesn't mean you weren't trying your best. We want to be good for our people. And we are. We are enough. 

I'm grateful tonight that I'm enough. 

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