Wednesday, December 4, 2019

My Thoughts During Sex


Ok, folks. I'm going to open a door to my brain and let you see what's gone on during sex. The only reason I have courage to face how bad it's been is because it's gotten better. So here goes...

Early afternoon: 

My partner makes a suggestive comment. I feel nervous and calculate how long it's been since our last sexual encounter. No matter when it was, I don't feel off-the-hook because it's a man's top need...

Fear begins to pull me in two directions:
  1. He'll have no choice but to leave me if I don't satisfy him sexually
  2. Sex could leave me in physical pain and be an emotional nosedive into despair
Rather than let the fear tear me in two, I shove the thoughts aside. I don't have to face that til later.

Later:

He asks me if I want to and it all starts again. My mind suddenly has only one volume: screamy. How should I know what I want? All I can think is that YOU want it and I SHOULD want it. What does it say about me if I don't? That I don't love you enough? (too painful) I'll just do it. And outloud, I try to sound upbeat when I say, "Yeah."

So we're making out and I'm hyper-aware of my body. Is this working? Am I getting into it? Why doesn't any of this feel good? A good woman would be gasping in surprise and pleasure right now, but I feel nothing. When did my body go numb? Is this or is this not an errogenous zone? I'm frigid. It's because I'm distracted. Why can't I focus? I hate that he's trying so hard and I can't respond. Something's wrong with me. I'm bad. He's a saint. Or maybe he's bad at this. Maybe it's not all my fault. I probably haven't communicated enough...

Now as I observe the body part he's currently loving on: It's fat. How can he be attracted when I look like this? This is not hot. It's all wrong. Why do I even try? It's not supposed to be like this. 

I'm not getting anywhere. How will we finish so I can check this off and stop feeling like the wife nobody dreamed of? Ow! He's on my hair. I shouldn't even care. If I were really into it, stuff like that wouldn't even register. Why don't I have an appetite for this?

This isn't what I thought sex would be like. I had such grand dreams and I've fallen so far from any of them. I thought sex would get better and better but it's been getting worse and worse. Everything hurts. I hate this. If I were just single I wouldn't feel like I was letting someone down all the time. 

But he loves me and he says he's satisfied and he says he'll let me know if something's wrong. He's promised. But how could he actually do that? 

And how can he be satisfied with this? 

Will I ever be able to be honest and not fake anything, including interest? When I try, I feel like a bitch.

This is why I didn't want to have sex. I feel wiped out. Why does this have to be so hard?

--

Wow, right? It's painful to write this even as it's no longer my experience. Are you wondering where my positivity went? It absconded when sex became difficult for a variety of reasons. Initially, it was vaginismus. When that was resolved, I was diagnosed with lichen sclerosis (thinning of vulva tissue and filling with fluid = Husband, don't even look at me because it hurts. Oh, and there's no cure.) When that calmed down, I began having chronic yeast infections. For two years. My body was saying no to sex and for good reason. I needed to process being molested out of my body, not just my brain. 

I did EMDR and emotional work with a kinesthesiologist. That took care of my physical manifestations (which had caused my sex life to become very limited and my thoughts so painful). BUT, it didn't fix the mind games I was losing during sex.

After my body got healthy, Brian and I felt like we were starting over, but not in an exciting way. I had all the memories of times gone poorly to cause anxiety and my confidence was nil. Sex felt like a minefield that left me emotionally maimed. I didn't know why and now I do. 

I hate to leave this here, but my following posts will be about what has made everything about sex better. I hope some part of it will help you as you make your way toward the sexual freedom and joy you deserve. 

So much love!




1 comment:

  1. Your willingness to share your journey is so brave and awesome! I know you will help many people struggling with similar issues!

    ReplyDelete